5 Weeks ago I returned to Bootcamp, twice a week, outdoor training, cardio & toning mainly. I had done 2 8 week sessions last year so i thought I knew what to expect. Firstly bootcamp must be like childbirth, because I conveniently never remember being in such physical pain for 7 days straight, seriously I was walking like a 90 year old with piles. Anyway a couple of weeks into it all was going well. I could run without collapsing against the fence and lunges & squats now only made me want to rip one eye out not both, progress! Then last week our trainer Mark had a surprise for us, what it was nobody knew, we soon found out! It came in the 5'8 (approx), fatigue clothed form of DAVE... DAVE, I feel like his name should be followed with a doomed "den den dennnnn".
Fresh from the front line in Afghanistan Dave was our surprise, there to put us through our paces of a real bootcamp. He immediately started by roaring orders at us, this in itself m
ade me want to retreat to a corner, curl up in the foetal position and sob, but on I soldiered. When I lost my hearing in one ear I did not speak up. Have you not seen GI Jane??? He would of screamed somethiing like "WHAT ARE YOU SOME SORT OF GIRL (ehh yes), DOWN AND GIVE ME 60, I SAID EAT MUDDDD".Then it came time for group games. Let me get one thing straight, I am not a team player, I do not like team building excersises, it's not that I don't like meeting new people, I am just crap at them, I AM the weakest link. I was happy to be a post in Rounders in PE class, I couldn't catch or couldn't bat, I
was good at standing there. 12 years has made no difference, if anything things have gotten worse. So our first task as a team was to drag a tyre the length of the court, around the cone and back, simples I hear you say in your best Meerkat impression. Simples my arse, Firstly remember the fact I cannot run, I run like an overweight 10 year old, awkward flailing of arms included. So the sheer panic of coming last made me completely miss the fact that I had managed somehow to get the tyre around the cone and was now dragging that with me. I got back to my team and tried to avoid eye contact with anyone, while also trying to avoid collapsing. So because I had decided to go first (not the brightest idea) I had now secured our position of last. We got the chance to make it up when it came to another group excercise which involved a lot of crawling on our knees. Boy did I crawl, I was like a turtle on acid, there was no stopping me, f**k the ripped knees and elbows I was gonna regain my dignity! After we won this one I was back in the group, pats on the back all round, or maybe that was relief at the hour finishing and knowing they would never have to be on a team with my sorry ass again. How wrong they were. Wednesday and DAVE...den den dennn... is back... this is not good! Again he puts us through our paces and it's back to group games. I can almost feel people moving away from me. Eventually I'm on a team, they really had to choice. This time it's an obstacle course, run around the cones and crawl under the man-made obstacle, simples I once again thought, i'm a dab hand at the crawling. I protested when it seemed like I would have to go first but the rest were having none of it, "fine" I thought, "you have been warned". Oh yes we also had a backpack with sandbags in it and a plastic gun to run with. I got off to a flying start, by the time we got around the first obstacle I was in second place... "I'm gonna do this I thought, I'm not gonna come last, I'm the queen of the wooorr...." Disaster... as I hit the deck and prepared to crawl at lighning speed under the next obstacle, I didn't get down low enough, my backpack caught the bin liners being used and I managed to bring the whole obstacle down on top of myself. I lay there motionless as people ran to get me out 
"just leave me here I thought", I could almost hear adagio for strings playing as the rescue mission was taking place. Of course with me under the obstacle the few behind me took full advantage and ran around me. By the time I got back the other teams 2nd person was nearly done. Again there was the avoiding eye contact and moans and groans from my team-mates. I had done it again, we came last and it was all my fault. Feeling like the heavy breather in Hey
Arnold I walked away tail well and truly between my legs. It's back to regular bootcamp tonight (I hope)and I for one cannot wait. If they ever decide on a remake of Private Benjamin, I'm their woman, there won't be much acting needed :(
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